This blog is titled as Part 1 because no one yet knows how the ending turns out. My personality is a new one and I don’t really know a lot about it yet.
Over the last few months I have begun to become incredibly aware of my moods and feelings. I am sure if you ask Carer 1 or Carer 2 they would happily fill you in with my ups and downs ; but on a personal level I feel it is important to explain how having a brain injury has affected me.
Since acquiring my brain injury I feel like I am two different people in the same body. It feels like I have a control centre completely separate to myself that copes with me. It is a truly analytical, stubborn, hard going machine that basically narrates minute by minute what is happening. It’s ability to cope is amazing and it can be truly motivating but it does not cope well with being told it’s wrong, it does not let things go and it can sometimes be wholly inappropriate. The oddest thing about this situation however is that I am acutely aware of any actions and their use is almost exaggerated. It doesn’t let me feel too much about things because that would be too complicated but I know exactly how I am feeling. When I’m being grumpy I know full well I am grumpy and it can be almost entertaining to view your personality from afar but also incredibly frustrating to know you are grumpy and have to go with it.
In an ideal world one would be able to turn an emotion around easily but unfortunately it’s not that simple. It has even got to the point sometimes that I find it quite amusing as to how much of a bad mood I am in. Surely if I know I’m in a bad mood I can change it which is a logical action but logical appears to be a lost concept in the personality affected by a brain injury.
So now days I would describe myself as complicated. I am complicated because every thought and feeling is put through a long drawn out process of filtering which is incredibly tiring and confusing. At the same time it is fascinating and I intrigue myself as to how I come to decisions about things. Whilst this is going on,
the compliance department of this machine ensures one comes across reasonably normal and this is why the tiniest thing requires huge effort. I have been known to completely disengage midway through a conversation. I will absolutely never let something drop if I think I’m right and I have been known to have a complete emotional breakdown if multi tasking is needed. None of these examples are socially acceptable but coping mechanisms are muddled and I’m not always going to come out of it smelling like roses.
Everyday I am learning something new about my new personality. The problem lies that once that trait is identified it needs to be channeled accordingly. These things however do not happen in succession, if at all at times. A person with a brain injury doesn’t need to be excused from behaviours but an understanding around them may help to keep life on track.